John Paczkowski

Recent Posts by John Paczkowski

New From Google: Google Disappointing Earnings

We’re not a conventional company and we don’t intend to become one, they said. See how we scorn the traditional stock offering process! See how we fearlessly test the large-scale viability of the so-called Dutch auction! Look at us! See how we refuse to give earnings guidance in the traditional sense! See how we make money without being evil! See how easily our share price passes the $200 milestone! And the $300 milestone, and the $700 milestone. See it twice! See how our newly rich employees drive up the prices of the Atherton, Calif., $25 million tear-downs! Our profit margins are among the highest in corporate America! Ha ha! See how we beat estimates quarter after quarter! See how they add us to the S&P 500! See how we refuse to sacrifice long-term opportunities to meet quarterly market expectations! See how our shares “plummet” and they’re still 20 times more valuable than Microsoft’s? And 40 times more valuable than Yahoo’s! Cower before our market cap! Bask in our arrogance! We are a golden god!

Well, we’re not so high and mighty now are we, Google? Not with financial results that come in a penny under estimates. A penny under estimates! That’s what they call a material miss, you Dutch auction dandies. Who cares if those estimates were inflated? Your fourth-quarter profit only rose 17%, compared to the 46% profit growth you posted in the third quarter. Ha! Your revenue rose a paltry 51% from a year earlier to $4.83 billion. You’ve only got $14.2 billion in cash and marketable securities on hand. $14.2 billion. A pittance. You are going down! Who cares a whit for your assurances about the state of the economy! (See how our CEO arrogantly dismisses the current growth recession as “rumors of future recessions”!)

Investors are not so easily consoled. Into the mud, Google! Your shares, which have dropped 18% already this year, are down more than $36 today! Kerplunk! $520 in after-hours trading! They’re only 29 times more valuable than Yahoo now, prigs. Ha! Oh you are going down, all right …


Twitter’s Tanking

December 30, 2013 at 6:49 am PT

2013 Was a Good Year for Chromebooks

December 29, 2013 at 2:12 pm PT

BlackBerry Pulls Latest Twitter for BB10 Update

December 29, 2013 at 5:58 am PT

Apple CEO Tim Cook Made $4.25 Million This Year

December 28, 2013 at 12:05 pm PT

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Another gadget you don’t really need. Will not work once you get it home. New model out in 4 weeks. Battery life is too short to be of any use.

— From the fact sheet for a fake product entitled Useless Plasticbox 1.2 (an actual empty plastic box) placed in L.A.-area Best Buy stores by an artist called Plastic Jesus