Along with its third-quarter results released today, Yahoo (YHOO) CEO Jerry Yang sent a memo to Yahoo’s staff about the streamlining the company would be undertaking.

That would be about 1,400 to 1,500 employees, or 10 percent of Yahoo’s global workforce.

As usual, his kindergarten punctuation was in full force, despite the sad tone of the missive.

At least, Yang is consistent.

Here’s the memo:

From: Jerry Yang
To: “all-worldwide@yahoo-inc.com”
Date: Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:20:21 -0700
Subject: update

yahoos,

i feel it’s important for me to reach out to you after our earnings announcement, and before our all hands meeting tomorrow.

we as a company have been through a tremendously challenging year; and managing the increasingly turbulent global advertising climate has been an important focus for the last three months.

throughout the first three quarters of 2008, we have been balancing between investing in our top priorities, and managing our cost structure. beginning in september, with the help of Bain & Co., we initiated a series of steps to determine how we can become more efficient and productive as an organization.

we heard from you through the YEES survey, and through your suggestions on backyard, and we’ve identified many areas that we all feel we can improve upon. our productivity efforts, based in part on what we heard from you, will involve initiatives such as streamlining our organizational structure through reducing layers and increasing spans of control, and eliminating redundancies. longer term structural efficiencies include consolidating facilities, improving procurement, and standardizing our global technology platforms.

today as part of our q3 earnings release, we said that our goal is to reduce our current annualized cost run rate of roughly $3.9 billion by more than $400 million before the end of 2008. we are targeting non-headcount expenses wherever possible, such as facilities and outside services. however, because compensation expenses are the single largest part of our costs, we anticipate a reduction of at least 10% of our global workforce by year-end.

affected employees will be notified of layoffs in the next several weeks. we understand that hearing this news now creates uncertainty, but we are moving ahead in a way that balances speed with a clear focus on accomplishing what is necessary to set the organization up for long term success. going forward it will continue to be important for us to make the right decisions to keep our business efficient and strong.

having layoffs is very difficult, particularly in light of all we’ve experienced this year. but we don’t take these decisions lightly, and are committed to treating affected employees fairly, offering severance and outplacement services.

the steps we are taking are not easy for us as a company, but as we become more fit as an organization, decision-making will be faster and it will be easier for us all to get more done and stay focused on our strategy. these changes will also prepare us to better deal with the macroeconomic downturn. as with previous downturns, yahoo! continues to be a place where consumers turn for information and communications, and is an integral part of their internet day. as the global economy improves in the future, i certainly believe that we will be stronger and benefit from the actions we are taking now.

as always, i thank you for all you do as yahoos.

best,
jerry

As we look ahead and to position us for success in 2009, we’re continuing the work already underway to get fit as an organization: actively looking for ways to make process and structural changes to our business that will allow us to work more efficiently, with more scale. we’ve enlisted the help of Bain & Co. to work with the leadership team on identifying ways to leverage our strengths, and to improve and accelerate our performance.”

– Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang, Sept. 24, 2008

The new fitness program to which Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang referred in his last all-hands memo to employees is expected to begin Tuesday. Yahoo (YHOO) is to report quarterly earnings tomorrow and it will announce layoffs along with them. Sources tell The Mercury News that the company is planning to sack at least as many employees as it did in January, when it fired 1,000 of its 15,000 workers. That’s not the 3,000 to 3,500 number that had been rumored, as Boomtown foretold. But it’s ugly nonetheless. The cuts will likely be accompanied by a 15 percent reduction in operating budget. Clearly, those Bain & Company “personal trainers” Yahoo recently hired to help it trim down and shape up are already working their magic.

A lot has been written about the need for drastic layoffs at Yahoo, including reports that the troubled company was preparing to fire from 3,000 to 3,500 of its 15,000 employees.

As dramatic as that figure is, according to numerous sources, it’s more likely that Yahoo will cut only half that, beginning sometime in mid-December.

That date could move up, of course, depending on how bad the economic outlook get for Yahoo, but it is not likely Yahoo will make any move in front of its earnings next Tuesday, October 21.

Why? Well, because what Yahoo’s top brass has already done is given its managers cost-cutting targets and not specific marching orders on laying off a certain number of people across the board.

And that’s even if the management consulting company that Yahoo has hired to look over the company’s operations, Bain & Co., recommends more.

In addition, the figures that top execs–such as SVPs Hilary Schneider and Ash Patel–have handed down to their minions is a process that includes considerable negotiating and maneuvering among and between various managers. So, nothing is set in stone.

Thus, how Yahoo (YHOO) under-bosses reach those goals and what gets lopped does not have to necessarily be employees.

For example, a manager could table a project in the search area or perhaps not expand features planned.

Of course, slashing employee costs is always the easiest way to show significant cuts, and it does send a definite message to investors that Yahoo realizes it must clean up its operations.

“But that’s hacking and we have to be more surgical,” said one exec involved in the process.

But look for more cuts in staff in certain areas, because people are its major cost, such as in Yahoo’s finance, human resources and general and administrative units.

Of course, if its economic situation continues to dim and its stock keeps up its downward slide, Yahoo could move to more dramatic staff cuts, which many feel it should do right away.

One note: If Yahoo manages to successfully complete its merger talks with Time Warner (TWX) over its AOL unit before the December cost-cutting moves go into effect, the company could hold off all cuts until the pair figure out their integration plans.

And then, I would expect, the really large-scale layoffs would begin.

Whitman has been increasingly active in the Republican party since retiring from eBay in January. She initially spent her time helping raise money for Mitt Romney, her former boss at Bain & Co., in his failed presidential campaign. More recently, she has been helping run Sen. John McCain’s presidential bid. She was a contender for the VP slot before McCain selected Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

On Tuesday night, Whitman all but announced her candidacy for governor of California at the Commonwealth Club.

Read the rest of this post

Jerry wrote: yahoos,

it’s time for another update.

Translation: Yep! Still no adult punctuation! We might continue to face serious big-boy issues at the company, but we refuse to give in on our insistence on kindergarten spelling patterns.

In that vein, would you like a nice cold glass of chocolate milk before I get to the bad news?

Jerry wrote: as a company, we’ve made some great progress this year. while it hasn’t been easy, especially in light of the challenges we’ve faced (not to mention the current downturn in the macro economic environment), we’ve accomplished a tremendous amount and we’re all working hard to continue executing on the company’s strategic plan.

Translation: As a company, we have managed to avoid disaster more times that Serena and Dan have broken up and reunited on one episode of “Gossip Girl.”

We’re foiled Steve Ballmer of Microsoft (MSFT)! We’ve co-opted shareholder activist Carl Icahn! We’ve pissed off investors like Gordon Crawford!

Much like Serena and Dan, who are arguably a lot sexier to watch in their state of complete plot paralysis, that all this has moved Yahoo (YHOO) precisely zero feet forward in terms of true changes at the company does not matter.

Jerry wrote: as we look ahead and to position us for success in 2009, we’re continuing the work already underway to get fit as an organization: actively looking for ways to make process and structural changes to our business that will allow us to work more efficiently, with more scale. we’ve enlisted the help of Bain & Co. to work with the leadership team on identifying ways to leverage our strengths, and to improve and accelerate our performance. we all know and experience parts of yahoo! where we can do better and be more agile in a competitive marketplace. this is consistent with what you told us in the YEES survey conducted in may–we need to find easier ways to work within yahoo!, and more importantly, create an even better experience for our customers and users.

Translation: Here come the weasel management consultants!

By saying “actively looking for ways to make process and structural changes to our business that will allow us to work more efficiently,” we actually mean layoffs.

By “identifying ways to leverage our strengths, and to improve and accelerate our performance,” we actually mean learning how to make layoffs.

By “we need to find easier ways to work within yahoo!,” we actually mean having the weasels, oops, Bain, tell us the best way to get rid of people via … layoffs!

Jerry wrote: each one of us will play an important role in this process. in the coming weeks, we’ll be soliciting your input and feedback. i want to know how we can improve the way we work with each other, and the way others work with yahoo!.

Translation: While the famous “Peanut Butter Manifesto” by Brad Garlinghouse (who laid himself off!) outlined all this and more years and years ago, we’d like you to tell us the best way to fix what’s broken, even though that has been, well, the presumable job of management.

Also, if you have any thoughts on who we should lay off, please do not hesitate to put your suggestions in the purple boxes we have placed strategically throughout the campus (and stuffing ballots with my name on them will not count!).

Jerry wrote: i know that yahoo! can benefit greatly from more discipline among all departments and functions, across the company. longer term, getting fit now will enable us to be more successful moving forward.

Translation: Discipline = layoffs. Getting fit = layoffs. But just think how lean and trim we’ll look when it is all over!

Jerry wrote: thanks,

jerry

Translation: Thanks and please don’t forget to take your complimentary purple Yahoo cozy on the way out! (The Bain people said it would be a nice touch.)

And, as an added plus, here is a decoding of the fully-punctuated statement Yahoo PR guy Brad Williams made about rumors of possible layoffs at the company:

Brad wrote: Yahoo! has been exploring ways to streamline our processes and bring new agility and efficiency to how we work as an organization. As part of this effort, we have engaged Bain & Co. to help us identify opportunities for improvement. This work is well underway, with the ultimate goal of positioning Yahoo! to achieve long-term, sustainable growth.

Translation: After I am laid off, I think we can all agree that this kind of stunning verbal acrobatics is sure to impress the folks over at Dunder Mifflin, where I hope to work next.

as we look ahead and to position us for success in 2009, we’re continuing the work already underway to get fit as an organization: actively looking for ways to make process and structural changes to our business that will allow us to work more efficiently, with more scale. we’ve enlisted the help of Bain & Co. to work with the leadership team on identifying ways to leverage our strengths, and to improve and accelerate our performance.”

As Valleywag notes, Yang doesn’t come right out and say “layoffs” or “restructuring,” but it’s evident to anyone who’s read a “corporate rightsizing” announcement that this is what he means by “getting fit as an organization.” Unless Richard Simmons has a new, unpublicized gig at Bain.

As Boomtown noted earlier today, cuts at Yahoo are a question of “when,” not “if.” And the answer, obviously, is “soon,” though Yahoo spokesman Brad Williams insists it would be premature to speculate about layoffs at the company. Said Williams, “Yahoo has been exploring ways to streamline our processes and bring new agility and efficiency to how we work as an organization.”

Streamline? Odd choice of words for a flack spinning this story. Doesn’t he know that it’s on The Grand List of Asinine Corporate Layoff Euphemisms as well?