Dear Ross,

Perhaps more than anyone, BoomTown is thrilled to have you back in the Internet ops game, after several years on the sidelines.

Besides introducing an exciting new character and plotline into the daily digital drama set in Sunnyvale, Calif.–kind of like when one of Alexis Carrington’s ex-husbands returned after a bout with amnesia on “Dynasty”–it’s clear you are not going to be a shrinking violet.

Plus, you know how to handle drama after all those crazy years herding digital cats at News Corp.’s MySpace.

In other words: Nobody puts Ross in the corner!

But it’s a very big job you have, running both Yahoo’s massive media properties, as well as its giant sales organization–especially after all those years of long lunches as a venture investor.

Thus, I prepared a short list for you–kind of a Yahoo cheat sheet–to cut out and put in your cyber-wallet, and pull out if the need should arise:

10. If you have any internal emails, product roadmaps, acquisition plans and–especially–juicy memos, please immediately forward them to kara@allthingsd.com via the secret Gmail account every Yahoo staffer has. (Don’t worry, everyone does this! Really!)

9. If anyone offers you $31 a share for Yahoo, take it.

8. If someone asks you the question, “What is Yahoo?”: Run for the hills.

7. If anyone tries to drag you back to Sunnyvale from Los Angeles, resist, even after what happened to Lloyd Braun. There are no advertisers nor any significant digital media folks in Silicon Valley, however much anyone tells you there are.

6. If a billionaire shareholder activist named Carl whom you used to canoodle with about taking over Yahoo calls, please refer to No. 8.

5. If you can locate where Yahoo co-founder and former CEO Jerry Yang has gotten to of late–he has been sighted at Yahoo “strategery” meetings and playing golf with advertisers–please send his coordinates to kara@allthingsd.com. I am not a stalker. Well, only a little bit.

4. If you have to ask who Judy is, you have already lost, because Judy is actually in charge at Yahoo. (By the way, since you are both from Jersey, work that angle hard!)

3. If a smiley, cheekboned, Don Draper-looking dude calls from AOL wanting to do a “reverse merger” and offers a ride on Air Tim to discuss it, please refer to No. 8.

2. If you feel frustrated and have the need to utter naughty words and curses, stifle it! That’s a job for the CEO!

1. Ignore me.*

* At your peril.

“Prior to joining Google, I set up a meeting on or about November 11, 2004 with Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer to discuss my planned departure….At some point in the conversation Mr. Ballmer said: ‘Just tell me it’s not Google.’ I told him it was Google. At that point, Mr. Ballmer picked up a chair and threw it across the room hitting a table in his office.”

- Former Microsoft Distinguished Engineer Mark Lucovsky

“I’ve never thrown a chair in my life….By and large I made a commitment nine years ago that I was not going to curse. I know I’ve had one or two transgressions in nine years, but I made that commitment to myself. Is that one of them? I don’t recall.”
– Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer

The rumors are true. Mark Lucovsky, the engineer whose departure from Microsoft (MSFT) allegedly sent CEO Steve Ballmer into a paroxysm of profanity and chair-tossing, has left Google (GOOG) for a new position at VMware (VMW), the company has confirmed.

Lucovsky, once a Microsoft Distinguished Engineer and a key architect of Windows and the company’s ill-starred Dot-Net strategy, was hired away by Google in 2004. Now, five years later, he has unceremoniously left the search sovereign for a senior engineer position at VMware. There, he’ll be reunited with Paul Maritz, president and CEO of VMware, who once served as Vice President of the Platform Strategy and Developer Group at Microsoft.

“Prior to joining Google, I set up a meeting on or about November 11, 2004 with Microsoft’s CEO Steve Ballmer to discuss my planned departure….At some point in the conversation Mr. Ballmer said: ‘Just tell me it’s not Google.’ I told him it was Google. At that point, Mr. Ballmer picked up a chair and threw it across the room hitting a table in his office.”

- Former Microsoft Distinguished Engineer Mark Lucovsky

“I’ve never thrown a chair in my life….By and large I made a commitment nine years ago that I was not going to curse. I know I’ve had one or two transgressions in nine years, but I made that commitment to myself. Is that one of them? I don’t recall.”
– Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer

The rumors are true. Mark Lucovsky, the engineer whose departure from Microsoft (MSFT) allegedly sent CEO Steve Ballmer into a paroxysm of profanity and chair-tossing, has left Google (GOOG) for a new position at VMware (VMW), the company has confirmed.

Lucovsky, once a Microsoft Distinguished Engineer and a key architect of Windows and the company’s ill-starred Dot-Net strategy, was hired away by Google in 2004. Now, five years later, he has unceremoniously left the search sovereign for a senior engineer position at VMware. There, he’ll be reunited with Paul Maritz, president and CEO of VMware, who once served as Vice President of the Platform Strategy and Developer Group at Microsoft.

San Jose Mercury News columnist Chris O’Brien made a lot of humorous hay at the expense of Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz yesterday, in a joke piece called: “Bartz Unveils New &*%! Strategy for Yahoo.”

O’Brien cleverly created a fictional transcript of a Yahoo (YHOO) staff meeting where Bartz–by now, well-known for her salty language–lets loose in an address about just how sick she was of competitors getting all the good press:

“We’re not going to take this (expletive) any more.

Starting today, we fight back. We’re going to announce a major new marketing campaign that won’t let anyone ignore Yahoo any more.
For those of you who don’t have your heads up your (expletive), you may have noticed that I’ve personally been beta testing this thing. First with those analysts, and then with that (expletive) Wall Street Journal reporter Kara Swisher–I dropped the f-bomb.

The results were clear. Those (expletives) in the press won’t write about all the great (expletives) we’re doing at Yahoo, but one foul-mouthed remark from me, and we’re back in the headlines.

So we’re re-branding the company around excessive use of profanity. Our new marketing slogan will be, ‘Yahoo, (expletive) yeah!’”

Well, why not?

During her interview with BoomTown at the seventh D: All Things Digital conference last week (pictured here, giving me a finger-to-eye-pointing lesson, which you can click on to make larger), Bartz did, in fact, curse at me, although she did not toss that off when talking about what was needed for Yahoo to regain momentum.

As she noted after a question I asked about Yahoo’s bruised image:

“The best way to change the perception is to do a good job and then talk about it. For instance, I know everybody out there says Yahoo has lost the youth; only old people use Yahoo. Do you know in the 18 to 24 demographic we have 76 percent reach? Everybody doesn’t just go to Facebook. We just have to get our story out there; we have to continue to appeal to the people that come to us, and frankly, at some point people get sick of having us as the underdog and say, Thank God, Yahoo’s back. And we are back. We’re going to go step by step.

It was a good answer and certainly a lot more forceful defense of the company than former Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang had made the year before at D6–which was essentially Job No. 1 for Bartz to correct at the recent D7 event.

Except that a lot of folks last week–both inside and outside Yahoo and also in the media–later took Bartz to task to me privately and also publicly for just being a big talker.

“If you compare what she said and what Jerry said word for word, it was the same thing,” said one person to me, in what was a common refrain. “It’s just that Carol said it with more oomph.”

Well, yes. Exactly. Which is why I am not sure there’s anything wrong with that.

Of course, it is entirely true that Bartz has a only a limited time to roll out the confident patter and colorful cursing, before it gets old and real results are required. We have all seen ribald CEOS who delight and then disappoint.

The current economic downturn is, of course, giving Bartz a bit of cover. But, as she well knows, when it turns for the better and she is in office for more than three full quarters, people will justifiably have to have their expectations for her performance met.

That could mean striking a deal with Microsoft (MSFT). Or it could mean gaining some search share from Google (GOOG). Or it could mean just cutting enough costs and improving display advertising sales to turn in a great quarter. Or reviving the pace of innovation at the Silicon Valley giant. Or, all of the above.

Until then, even on the receiving end of an f-bomb onstage (which, I can assure you, came as no surprise), it’s probably a very good thing to keep the tough talk going for a while longer.

Because it motivates staff, because it shows that there is some oomph, because it allows people to forget all that has past.

In no way will be no substitute for making significant changes that Yahoo so desperately needs–but, for this window of time, loose lips might even help keep the Yahoo ship from sinking further.

Speaking of lip, here is the clip of Bartz cursing at me, which is at 57 seconds in: